Discombobulated


  1. First I was like Fuck you, universe, I hate you, I’m going to cry myself sick and ugh I hate you my life is over, but then I was all, Hey, you know what? Fuck you, universe, you’re pretty great, you magnificent bastard, imma sit here in my knickers and watch four episodes of The X-files (series 5) back to back and eat cream cheese out of the tub with a knife AND I WILL LICK THE KNIFE TOO because I am obvs such a dainty deer-like creature and, well, ok then let’s do this thing. And then I felt happy. The end.

    First I was like Fuck you, universe, I hate you, I’m going to cry myself sick and ugh I hate you my life is over, but then I was all, Hey, you know what? Fuck you, universe, you’re pretty great, you magnificent bastard, imma sit here in my knickers and watch four episodes of The X-files (series 5) back to back and eat cream cheese out of the tub with a knife AND I WILL LICK THE KNIFE TOO because I am obvs such a dainty deer-like creature and, well, ok then let’s do this thing. And then I felt happy. The end.

  2. This morning I have for you the most popular news item in the Mid Sussex Times and now my favourite news item of all time. Here goes:

EARLY CUSTOMERS FIND BOOTS CLOSED
"Early shoppers at Boots in South Road, Haywards Heath, found the store closed this morning.
A sign on the door said: “Due to  unforseen circumstances we do not have a pharmacist at present and so  are unable to open this store.
“The store will open as soon as a locum pharmacist arrives, unfortunately we don’t yet know what time this will be.
“We apologise for any inconvenience caused and thank our customers for their patience.” The store later opened.”

THE STORE LATER OPENED.
There is nothing about this I don’t love, including the photograph (the woman standing in front of the shop especially).
Every news story, blog post, poem, novel should have a happy ending like “the store later opened”. Every. One.

    This morning I have for you the most popular news item in the Mid Sussex Times and now my favourite news item of all time. Here goes:

    EARLY CUSTOMERS FIND BOOTS CLOSED

    "Early shoppers at Boots in South Road, Haywards Heath, found the store closed this morning.

    A sign on the door said: “Due to unforseen circumstances we do not have a pharmacist at present and so are unable to open this store.

    “The store will open as soon as a locum pharmacist arrives, unfortunately we don’t yet know what time this will be.

    “We apologise for any inconvenience caused and thank our customers for their patience.” The store later opened.”

    THE STORE LATER OPENED.

    There is nothing about this I don’t love, including the photograph (the woman standing in front of the shop especially).

    Every news story, blog post, poem, novel should have a happy ending like “the store later opened”. Every. One.